merely delusional
by Jaded-Raindrop
Summary: haynerxlarxene: impossible things only happened in movies. or fanfiction. :for muffin:


-I'm not dead! Yay! 

This is a birthday present to the wonderful **muffin**, who's birthday was February 4th, but since I'm a loser, I didn't have this ready in time. But now, a month and three days later, it's done! (At least, the first chapter is….)

So, enjoy this crack-filled fic (omg, HaynerxLarxene, baby!) 

(And please don't hate me for my horrible characterization of Hayner.) 

**Disclaimer: I do not own anything, except for a grumpy muse and a lazy update man. (oh, and I don't really think that people in photography clubs are geeks.)**

xx-

Larxene is your average girl next door.

If you consider a sadistic sense of humor and a love for blowing things up average. Which I do, if you're wondering. But you probably weren't, because who really cares about the biggest loser in school?

xx-

You know, I never realized how big of a loser I was until I entered High School. I mean--I knew I wasn't cool, but I always thought that I was somewhere in the middle of the popularity food chain. Turns out, I'm not even _on_ the chain. I lose at being a loser.

I entered High School, as fiery and plucky as ever, and I stayed that way, at least until lunch. As soon as I plunked myself down and took a good look around at all the different cliques, I compared them all to my little one and realized, with a bit of a jolt, that we were all losers. Misfits. We were too loserish for even the normal losers, who sat on the opposite side of the cafeteria.

At first, I thought I'd be fine, because I had all my friends; Roxas, Pence, and Olette. But then Pence drifted off to join those Photography Club geeks and Olette sat Roxas and I down to give us a huge lecture, of which the general idea was: 'I'm dumping you two for some slutty bimbos.' Things worked out pretty well for her--she became one of the most popular girls in school. Pence…well, I dunno what happened to Pence. I see him around school sometimes, but you know those Photography geeks. 

Roxas and I stayed friends--you could say we were like two leeches feeding off each other for those first few months. I won't lie, it was sort of scary, just being the two of us. Pence and Olette were the smart ones, so we had to get used to doing homework ourselves, and everyone we'd ever known had already found a clique, a place to belong, while Roxas and I stood off to the side, all by ourselves. However, because of our closeness, everyone started to think we were gay, and we toned down on our desperate leeching off of each other. Roxas even picked up a girlfriend--a chipper girl named Rikku who's voice was equivalent to a Yorkie's yapping.

And somehow, through all of that, we got by. Eventually, we found new weirdoes to hang out with--Zexion, a bookworm who did our homework for us (for five bucks a page); and Demyx, a happy-go-lucky musician with a bad haircut. 

Everything was fine! Beautiful! Roxas and I had even started to recover from losing our two closest friends to geeks and bimbos. The next two years of my high school experience were uneventful. But, everything changed when the unoccupied house next door was suddenly occupied again. I nearly died. My jaw dropped and would not go back into place.

My heart stopped, and simultaneously started again, because it was **her**.

Larxene.

xx-

The first words she had screamed at me that day she moved back in were: "Hey, loser!"

xx-

Though Larxene had tortured me through all of my fourth and fifth grade years, I wasn't filled with a burning hatred for her.

It was more like a burning…love. And I know it sounds creepy to fall in love with your oppressor, but that's what happened. All through those fourth and fifth grade years, I watched her closely at school and obsessed about her at home. On days that she decided to be nice and leave me alone, I'd go out of my way to piss her off so she'd look at me.

xx-

I remember the first time we met.

I was an innocent fourth grader--young, and bright, and ready to bite your face off if you dared to say anything bad about Pokemon (which I so vehemently adored.)

_She_ was in sixth grade--aggressive and confident. (Most people thought she was so sure of herself because she had just entered middle school. You know those sixth graders--they think they're on top of the world. But that wasn't the reason she was so cocky--no, it was because she **knew** she was on top of the world. She **knew** that she concurrently terrified and fascinated people, and she **knew** that made her powerful.)

Our school back then held kindergarteners to eighth graders, so it was big and had enough room for boundaries to be set without making us feel like caged animals. Kindergarten through third grade stayed in a fenced off area with big, colorful slides, a sandbox and a jungle gym. (Older kids liked to go to the fence and shake it, in an attempt to scare the little kids.) Fourth to fifth grade got a bigger, slightly upgraded version of the Kindergarten through third grade playground, and middle school kids hung out by the bathrooms, sneering at the younger kids who rushed into the restrooms, but staying away from them as if they had some kind of disease. 

When I saw Larxene approaching me, my heart rate increased by a million and two, ready to burst out of my chest at any moment. It was _her_. That scary girl with electric eyes. Being approached by her meant death.

I tried to pretend that I didn't see her coming and dropped the ball I had been throwing around with my friends and quickly began walking in the other direction.

"Hayner, where are ya goin'!" Pence called, reaching down for the ball. Larxene, however, was suddenly behind him, and pushed him down.

"Move it, fatso." I heard her growl. Pure terror ran through me, and this was my only thought :_'Ohmigosh she's coming and she's going to eat me and drink my blood.'_ I did not think of poor Pence, who I could hear sniveling as Olette hugged him and assured him that he wasn't fat and that Larxene was just jealous of his rugged handsomeness. (And yes, she did actually tell him that.)

I hurried forward, only thinking of getting away from Larxene. I ran straight through a basketball game, and into many cranky fifth graders who glared at my back as I made my way to the boy's bathroom. 

I sighed in relief as the door to the bathroom came into view, and broke out into a run. As I got closer, I ran even faster, anxious to get to safety. Unfortunately, just as I was reaching for the door handle, someone grabbed me by the collar and yanked me back. I squealed in fright, and I heard giggling. The person pulled me to my feet and spun me around. I blanched. Kairi, one of Larxene's followers, had me in a death grip, and Namine, her sister stood a few feet away, smiling sweetly.

They were twins, and complete opposites--yet, they both had the same cruel sense of humor. They giggled, and I struggled to get out of Kairi's clutches. Namine chuckled.

"Why the hurry? Larxy only wants to talk to you…"

'_Yeah, and beat me to a pulp.'_ I thought grimly, as Larxene got gradually closer.

xx-

I had been so disappointed when she moved away--it was the beginning of sixth grade, and I was filled with the arrogant confidence that most new sixth graders were filled with. Of course, that all drained away when Larxene dragged a desk to stand on out into the hallway between classes and announced she would be leaving in the next few days. 

I think I was the only one who was truly upset--everyone and their _mothers_ let out a huge collective sigh of relief and then put on masks to hide how happy they were. 

xx-

So, naturally when Larxene came back, I was elated and terrified at the same time. Everyone was (but they were more terrified than anything else.)

That night, I picked up a pair of binoculars and watched her get undressed.

xx-

Don't go and call me some masochistic pervert. Because I'm not. There are tons of other teenaged boys who spy on their hot neighbor while she gets dressed. I'm not the only one. 

While I watched her, I liked to fantasize that I wasn't a total failure and that she was my girlfriend. Sometimes, I even went as far as imagining we were married. (But we didn't have kids. I hate kids. I'm pretty sure she hates kids, too.)

Of course, I knew that it'd never happen. _We'd_ never happen. It was impossible. And impossible things only happen in the movies. Or fan fiction.

xx- 

Thank you for reading! I hope it was enjoyable. The next chapter will be coming…soonish. :D Leave a review

**I LOVE YOU MUFFIN!**


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